The Content Wrangler
Finding Mr. Right 5.0: Lessons For Business From The Personal Relationship Trenches
By Scott Abel, The Content Wrangler and The Content Wrangler Community
I am a lot of things. I am a writer, a consultant, a community owner, a blogger, a Hoosier, an uncle, a gay male, and many other things. If you were to tag me like a web page you want to remember, you might use tags like content manager, conference organizer, The Content Wrangler, and a host of other descriptive words of meaning to you—limited only by your imagination. But, chances are, just from reading my blog or being on my mailing list, you really don’t know much about me. With this post—and others in the future—I aim to change that.
Tom Johnson has commented that he finds blogs with a voice a valuable and authentic source of information. He especially likes it when bloggers share their opinions about the news of the day and why they think it’s important. It helps the reader gain a better understanding of the writer and their thought processes. Other writers I respect say they wish I’d reveal more about who I am and what makes me think the things that I do. With this post I hope to share more about me…to find the beginnings of my authentic voice. I hope this post serves to educate and inform, while also revealing a little about the man behind The Content Wrangler.
As a consultant who provides advice to clients looking to improve the way they create, manage, and deliver content, I’m keenly aware that what my clients think they want is not always what they need. This disconnect between what’s desired and what’s actually needed isn’t anything new, nor is it limited to content projects. But, finding out what a client needs is critical to a successful project.
At the start of every client engagement, I ask my client to tell me what they want and why they want it. If after hearing their story, I believe I’m the right guy for the job, I work to close the deal. If not, I refer them to someone else who specializes in the type of services needed. I’ve made a career out of this type of relationship building and as a result, I have a large network of contacts from which to find help for my customers. But, despite a seemingly wonderful match-making ability (and a fast growing global network of content professionals), I’ve not got a good track record in the personal relationship arena.
The Relationship Challenge
My personal long-term relationships failed for the same, increasingly obvious reason: What I thought I wanted is not what I really needed. Sure, there were other specific reasons for the demise of each individual relationship (Mr. Right Version 3.0, for instance, violated our Terms of Service), but the real problem was I selected the wrong Mr. Rights in the first place.
As I look back over the years with hindsight as a superpower, I can see clearly that I gravitated to guys that were handsome, charming, and nice, but who had nothing much in common with me. We didn’t share a common educational level, nor a common intellect or professional interest. I didn’t think our lack of commonalities was a big deal. But, today I’m not quite so sure. Maybe there’s something to the “birds of a feather flock together” idea.
Relationship incompatibility has prevented me as a human being from experiencing my life to the fullest, from experiencing the joy that is made possible when the right two people “click”. My poor choices caused me to waste a significant amount of my life doing nothing much of anything for me. Those same poor choices caused me to have depression, impacted my health in negative ways, damaged friendships, and stunted my personal growth. It also caused me to lose business and avoid numerous opportunities.
Now some of you may be saying to your self, “Don’t cry for me Content Wrangler, it looks like you’re doing fairly well. Look at all you’ve achieved despite your personal relationship mismatches.” That seems like a logical way of thinking (and it is certainly a valid viewpoint), but it fails to answer this question: “Where might I be if I had known what I needed from a relationship and sought that type of person as a partner?” Of course, there’s no way to know for sure what MIGHT have happened—although my psychic may differ with me on that point.
Finding Mr. Right Version 5.0
I met someone who was the closest thing to Mr. Right I’ve likely ever encountered. He was smart, witty, handsome, interesting, educated, had his own life and career, and was proud of his home and his achievements. He made me laugh out loud—and often. He challenged me in so many ways (unlike Mr. Right versions 1.0 – 4.0). He was so different than anyone I’d ever met and yet, I pushed him away. I didn’t allow him to get to know me.
Instead, I gravitated back to a broken relationship and tried—unsuccessfully to repair it—using bailing wire and bandages. That relationship failed miserably. I eventually realized my mistake, and tried connecting with Mr. Right 5.0 again, but he had moved on. I had my chance and I lost it to the competition.
We’ve Never Done It That Way Here
This type of mistake happens at big and small companies alike. And, it happens more often then they would have you think. Organizations get mired in their past experiences and make critical—often profit-damaging—business decisions based on nonsensical thinking. “We’ve never done it that way here” or “We’ve always done it this way here” become reasons for inaction or for making a choice most folks know is not the right one. They settle for less. They rest on their laurels. They ignore all the signs and symptoms and repeat the same mistakes over and over again. They try every way possible to avoid making the right decision, opting instead for temporary solutions that are often seen as saving money. In the long run, these information technology bandages prove inefficient and less-than-optimal. They also waste resources and prevent organizations from taking advantage of game-changing approaches that could help them maintain a strategic advantage over the competition. When the leaders of the organization finally realize the mistakes they’ve made, it’s often because they start losing clients. In the software industry, for example, several XML authorimg tool vendors have lost big contracts—annually renewable ones—with some sizable customers for this very reason.
On a personal level, I’ve spent the past 20 years following the path to insanity, as Einstein described. Not exactly what I want to be remembered for on my tombstone. But, like many of my clients, I’m making an about face. I’m going to try and do things differently. I’m going to open my eyes to the possibilities. No more resting on old, outdated and unworkable relationship models. I’m going to step outside my comfort zone and allow myself to find the same level of relationship success as I enjoy in my business life. At least, I’m going to give it a shot by taking my own advice.
Scott,
I was just penning a similar article about how to tell your clients/customers when they are pushing a solution/strategy that isn’t going to solve their problem (aka half-assing it.)
Great post as usual.
Ian Alexander
What a wonderfully honest post Scott, bravo. I wish you all the best finding Mr. Right (6.0?).
It’s good to read a personal post that is so forthright, to often we self-censor to our detriment. Hats off to you.
I’m still trying to decide if I like this personal outpouring in a business environment.
My only other comment is this: if he was Mr. Right if he would have waited.
This is the first post I’ve read of yours, Scott. What an introduction! It inspired me to sign up for the CW group on Ning. Not only is this post well written, but it is also relevant to your personal and professional life. It demonstrates what it describes. Also, as I gay man I appreciate your willingness to be frank, and out. Bravo!
Great post! We struggle with “we’ve always done it that way” in the Pubs group at my company, but I’ve never considered approaching it on a more personal level. Haven’t we all had similar relationship experiences? I know I have. Really looking at what you want, whether it be business or personal, then taking a chance at something new, can really pay off in the end.
Hope Mr Right 6.0 goes into production soon
.
I admit I was a little uncomfortable reading this. Not because of any social viewpoint, but I read this blog for professional reasons, and I am very reserved about my personal life in the workplace. This level of openness breaks down something I hold sacred: workplace privacy. I love coming to work knowing that the drama of my personal life and the personal lives of others are left at the door (for the most part). This post breaches that, IMO, and is better reserved for your personal conversations.
It was a nice change of pace to read about your struggles and personal challenges. My hat is off to you for your honesty and openness about the struggles of managing relationships. I myself have been in a relationship for 12 years while balancing the demands on my personal and business life. Good luck finding Mr. Right!
Hi Scott,
Interesting post on many levels. First, although we’re accustomed to recognizing that *people* can be dysfunctional, groups of people (like workgroups or even corporations) can also have dysfunctional behavior and a culture that encourages said behavior.
As consultants, we get to tell other people what to do. And sometimes they even follow our excellent advice. It’s a lot more difficult, though, to hold up the mirror and practice that cold-eyed analysis on one’s own personal life.
Be careful with the versioning analogy—everyone knows you should avoid version 1.0. And next, you’ll have to go to Mr. Right X5 or possible Mr. Right 2008. Or even Mr. Vista (shudder). OK, probably not that one.
Scott,
As a few above me pointed out: your post blurs the line between personal and business communication, but maybe that’s the point. After all starting a social networking community dedicated to a business context (content management) is a different approach to either issue. It is very in tune to the changing way we approach business in the web 2.0 world.
Honestly, I didn’t need to know your orientation or hear about your struggles, but still I read the post.
You did a good job of drawing the parallels between the two issues and illustrated the futility of convention for it’s own sake. My only criticism might be the title should have been “Lessons for personal relationships from the business trenches” since your conclusion was to follow your consulting advice in your personal life.
Best of luck in the search.
Thanks everyone. As an experimental approach to creating a blog post that blends both personal and business experiences, I recalled what my very smart journalism instructor (winner of two consecutive Pulitzer Prizes) used to say: “Write first about what you know. And, if you don’t know yourself, you’ve got bigger problems that figuring out what to write.”)
I may not be as “personal” with future posts, but I’ll try to provide some personal observations on posts about which I know enough to include comments of value. Sometimes a news post is just a news post and won’t really benefit from much of what I have to say. My audience seems to enjoy each type of post—based on the individual preferences of each reader.
I have learned a lot about what triggers response from my readers in the five years I have published this blog: sex, politics and religion…the stuff smart folks don’t bring up at most dinner tables. Each have enjoyed the spotlight in one way or another here and each type of post generates the type of conversation that’s going on here today.
All good communicators should keep “intent” in mind when they write. In this post, my intent was to open up, share something very human about myself and try to relate it to business. I’m no expert at this approach, but I wanted to give it a shot. So, my intent was to test the waters and learn from the experience.
The biggest lesson that we can ALL learn from this experience is the importance of personalization. My readers all share many things in common, but they are each individuals with preferences, opinions, and thoughts of their own. My goal is to continuing working toward a day when I can offer various types of information and allow my subscribers to tell me what they want and don’t want to see. If I had that capability today, I would have been able to design a site that reconfigures based on your personal preferences. What you see on the home page (and in your inbox) would be different than what other subscribers would see. In such a scenario, users would indicate that while they may be interested in DITA, for example, they are only interested in being exposed (on the blog or in email) to articles about DITA or invitations to web events about DITA, but not opinion pieces in which an individual shares his/her thoughts. If we added more descriptive metadata, we could tag the posts that touch on touchy subjects or contain “personal” stories and readers could tell the system that they don’t want to see articles that are like the post I made today.
If this were built into the site today, Ben Dupre, for example, may still have learned more about my private life than he wanted, but we could teach the system to become smarter. Over time, we should be able to fine tune the delivery of dynamic information, personalized for each user.
Several software company sales people are probably salivating right now. “Hey, we do that!” they are likely thinking to themselves. And, they’re right, it is all possible today. Access to these features is just not available to the masses the way I believe it will be one day soon. Fingers crossed.
Thanks to all of my readers. I value your opinions and continued support.
Scott Abel
The Content Wrangler
P.S. If you are not yet a member of The Content Wrangler Community, please consider becoming one today: http://thecontentwrangler.ning.com
Scott,
Although I’ve been following The Content Wrangler for some time, this is the first time I’ve noticed your identifying yourself as a gay male.
Bravo for your “out” attitude! Now I’ll read your articles with a greater appreciation for the human being behind the ideas.
Cheers!
Liz
Scott,
I enjoyed the different viewpoint and tone in this post. You drew connections between the personal and the professional in ways I hadn’t considered before. I think there are many useful parallels between these two realms. How many people have fallen in love with beauty (or a smart looking application with appealing graphics) only to realize the intelligence (the application’s core feature set and processing speed) was lacking? Or something like that.
It’s hard to focus on your main point, though, because the personal aspect of the post calls so much attention to itself. Obviously there are gradations of personal experience that you can mix in with the professional topics. Just reading the first person voice, the “I,” was refreshing. I hope you won’t dismiss this same point of view—the “I”—in the future based on the mixed response in some of the comments.
For example, I’d really like to read a post on what it’s like to organize a conference. Or to read your views on academics, or on Quark, Adobe, or other products.
Can I be your matchmaker? Seriously, I have drawn the parallels of ‘dating’ and ‘job hunting’ (or finding contract work) for years. The dynamic is the same, although generally you don’t sleep with whomever hires you.
Mr. Right is out there, and the best way to find him is through your personal (and business) network. A warm referral from someone who knows you both is much more likely to succeed than blind dating. Or, in context: a warm referral from someone that knows you, and knows the challenges facing Company X, is much more likely to result in a hiring opportunity than sending out 50 resumes a week to people who don’t know you from Adam.
And in the spirit of learning lessons from the personal, and applying them to business: one of my favorite management books is titled: “Peanut Butter and Jelly Management” – subtitled ‘lessons from parenting’.
Scott, you’ve proven time and time again that you’re consistently ahead of the curve; this post is no different. I found my Mrs. Right on the Internet, and moved 7200 miles to marry her. Let that inspire you.
e
Scott,
Great post. You did a fine job of relating your personal experiences with the problems that companies face trying to find the right consultant/employee/technology/whatever else.
It’s difficult to use personal experience as a launching point for an analogy about the needs of a client or about one’s own professional life. I’ve tried this on occasion, and am not quite sure that I’ve succeeded. You, as usual, hit it.
This post was a nice change from what we usually see in this space. I hope that in the coming weeks and months you combine the usual fare found on The Content Wrangler with more posts like this one.
Scott
Infusing a little personal into your posts is a good thing when done in a professional manner, bravo.
I work hard to find a balance for how much of my personal life to reveal and determining which of my opinions are worthwhile to reveal. I’ve also been fortunate to have some excellent coaches from the talk.bmc staff while finding my way.
A little transparency about your background and experiences can go a long way. Whether it’s Tom talking frankly about the reactions he gets to a name tag that identifies him as working for the Church of Latter Day Saints to my posting a gushing mommy post after returning from maternity leave, us bloggers are able to give some personality between the lines while describing and analyzing the work we do. Thanks for a willingness to reveal the blend of your personal and professional lives.
Oh, and I’m with Sarah – watch out for Mr. Vista!
Hey Scott:
Nice post! I hope all goes well in work and life for you.
A couple of years ago I worked with a friend and we outlined what I really wanted from a relationship. It helped to write it down, think it through, and determine what I really wanted and what the “bullet points” were. Taking that kind of analytical, business attitude helped evaluate my situation. Within a month, I’d met a great guy who synced with me on all of those points, and I with him. Happily married now, and hope you can reach the same point.
Take care,
Kay
Scott, thank you so much for this refreshing post. I enjoyed the way you wove together the personal and professional stories so seamlessly. The personal part of your story especially hit home – right message at the right time. Please disregard all naysayers and keep on keepin’ it real.
Thanks to all of you for your continued input and commentary. I appreciate all comments and commentators.
Another impact of my publishing this post is increased attention to The Content Wrangler site. During the first 24 hours that the post has been online, it’s received far more than 3,000 hits. And, the number of new subscribers has jumped from an average of 15 a day to over 100.
That said, I have not examined the impact on the average unsubscribe rate. We may have lost some folks along the way as well. Time will tell.
Traffic has also increased at our sister site, The Content Wrangler Community (http://thecongtentwrangler.ning.com). New memberships are up 70% over the same time last week.
And, of course, my inbox is hopping. Some folks don’t feel comfortable sharing in a public forum and many of those comments have been directly to my personal inbox.
If I were to do a little detective work, I’d imagine other bloggers are pointing to the article and opening the entire site up to a new audience who may find other posts of interest (not just this one).
Just thought I’d share these observations with everyone.
Your friends and family as well as this professional community should be proud of you, Scott. This is a remarkable post.
In the past, I remember taking whatever project would come along without really wondering about the ‘fit’ of my organization’s offerings and our culture to the prospective customer. Today, we find it much more pleasurable to work with customers that are a great fit with regard to the technologies we support, the vertical markets we are expert in, and the project management protocols that we’re comfortable with.
On a personal note, straight guys pick their Relationships X.0 based on looks and other external attributes too. So congrats, you’re a human being
Hi Scott–
Thanks for helping us know you better on a personal level. For what it’s worth, the relationship issues you describe are ubiquitous, regardless of whether that relationship is straight or gay. Some would argue that it’s precisely these experiences that help us to become the people we are supposed to be. The good news is that you have evolved your choices and recognize that.(5.0 was significantly better than previous versions, for e.g….)
“Wisdom comes from experience, experience usually comes from something painful or stupid that we do.” (can’t remember the exact quote or who said it)
A book you might find helpful (I certainly did) is “Your Heart’s Desire” by Sonia Choquette. Helps identify want you really need and want….I’m marrying my heart’s desire in July and couldn’t be happier (first marriage at 43, so I understand your angst.)
I’ll confess, I’ve been receiving this in my inbox for years, but I’ve rarely read your columns. This one, however, caught my attention. (For the record, I’m happily content with Mr. Right 1.0 and have no plans on upgrading in the future.)
I’ve been fortunate to work with colleagues in the communication industry who are absolutely brilliant in what they do and know, but whose personal lives seem to have at least one characteristic that is a shambles. (I think I’m aware of, but still in denial of mine.)
In my observation of these friends, I’ve wondered what the outcome might be if each did an audience/user needs assessment at a professional and personal level. Would defining one’s goals and the “musts” and “high wants” to achieve those goals help create a plan of action? Of course, whether professionally or personally, one should never forget the human element/relationship in all aspects of the process or journey (sometimes incredible things just happen).
I believe we need to bring every facet of ourselves into the workplace to be fully productive in a professional environment. Every once in a while, it’s also a good idea to bring a little work home with you.
It is an interesting style, and it makes sense to infuse a bit of personality into a blog – the blogs that I read are naturally about topics I’m interested in, but at the end of the day it is the personalities of the blog that cause me to return with any frequency.
Having said that, I’m still looking for substance over style. As long as the postings continue to have valid content, I will be happy – personality-infused or not.
Further thoughts (just to mull over): If you were a straight man writing the same article about Mrs Right 5.0, I don’t think anyone would think it was that personal. It is the “gay angle” that turns it into a potential “issue article”.