The Truth According To Facebook: Be Careful Before You React, That Post May Not Be What You Think It Is
I feel like a complete moron. A big, dumb, idiot. I just learned an important lesson the hard way. I’ve written this article in hopes it:
1) Helps to repair the damage to a valuable relationship in my life caused by a social networking hoax and my careless response to it
2) Assists in helping you avoid making similar social networking blunders; and
3) Makes the person who is the real victim of this situation — Berry Braster –feel a little bit better
[Note: Berry, I am so very sorry that this happened to you. I want everyone to know that I now realize that neither you, nor tedopres, had anything to do with that malicious posting to my Facebook account. I want my readers to know that I should have followed my gut feeling. I didn't think you would ever be so rude as to post such nastiness about anyone. But, as this article will point out, I have been wrong before. When combined with my previous experiences and the "evidence" I saw on Facebook, it certainly looked as if you were responsible. The earlier blog post, which has been removed from this site, was not meant to be published until I had contacted you to discuss it. Unfortunately, I was tired and upset and mistakenly made the post live just before I went to bed. Although it was up for only 4 hours or so, it created issues for you and your company, for which I am very sorry. I hope you are able to forgive my careless mistake.]
Me and My Facebook
I’m an active Facebook user. I post often to my Facebook page and I have a fast-growing network of 1,600 or so “friends”. My roster of friends is an interesting mix of professional contacts, family, friends, and miscellaneous people who find me interesting for whatever reason.
I post all sort of content on my Facebook page — a little business, lots of personal updates, some potentially interesting news tidbits, music, humor, satire, politics, and viral videos. I also archive old photographs there, tag them, and share them with others. It’s not an atypical mix of content, although my particular selection and presentation style is likely an acquired taste. I seldom edit myself or my life. I think of Facebook as a place where I can put it “all out there” and be 100% me.
While I don’t share absolutely everything I do on Facebook, I’d imagine some folks think I share a bit too much, others, not enough. Sometimes I post a partial string of lyrics from a song to see if anyone will recognize it (usually, they do). Other times I post vague sentence fragments, double entendres and witticisms designed to elicit responses. My Facebook friends seldom fail to deliver. It’s audience manipulation, to be sure, and fodder for my upcoming book on social networking. The book is based on my own personal experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and my intent it that it will provide practical guidance for social networkers of all experience levels. This scenario is one of the examples of what not to do!
What Happened, Exactly?
Sunday, January 17, 2010, I didn’t participate on Facebook as much as I might normally do. I made a few updates in the morning, answered a few emails, and responded to a few posts. And, later in the day, I uploaded a few pictures of my buddies and I wearing 3D glasses while waiting in line to see the movie Avatar.
After the movie, I returned home, checked my Facebook account, ate dinner, watched some television, and before bed, checked Facebook again. This time I noticed that some of my “friends” had left comments about the aforementioned photos of me and my friends wearing 3D glasses. As I scanned the comments, I spotted one that read, “fucking fags”, posted from the account of Berry Braster, someone I’ve know for years from the content industry and with whom I’ve enjoyed a positive relationship. Seeing those words attributed to him was shocking. I really couldn’t believe my eyes, but it was right there in front of me on my computer screen.
Confused, I clicked on Berry’s profile link to see what was happening on his page. Maybe there would be a clue found there. I navigated to his page where I learned he was no longer on my Facebook friend. In order to comment on my Facebook page, he would have to be my friend when he made the post. So, on the surface, it looked like he had left the nasty remark, then “unfriended” me.
“Really?” I thought to myself. “What had I posted earlier that was so offensive that Berry would find it necessary to leave a nasty comment and ‘unfriend’ me?”
I flipped through the previous days posts. There was a nasty f-word infused comment I made in which I wrote that I thought “The Pope should shut the f**k up about gay marriage and stop calling it ‘an attack on the natural differences between men and women’ and focus on cleaning up his house of holy pedophiles.” That could have offended someone. But, it didn’t seem like an issue Berry would have been concerned with. But, I wasn’t sure. There were other potentially offensive candidates. But, nothing jumped out as the culprit. And yet, it was all right there in front of me. The truth, according to Facebook.
A Little Context: Being An Out Gay Man
While those who know me would probably tell you that I don’t really care what other people think of me (or my sexuality), that’s not 100% true. I put on a good act. I’ve been trained by our society and its unwritten rules to do so. In order to get along in the heterosexually-dominated business world we live in, I project a “I couldn’t care less attitude”. It’s no different than most other people. Everyone has a few issues they eventually learn to tackle by projecting the right image. When they are successful, they can hide their feelings from others.
As an out gay man, I face lots of situations most straight people never have to deal with. For instance, it’s not unusual (in certain areas of the United States) for religious fundamentalists show up to picket the funeral of a friend who died of AIDS. It’s also not uncommon in some places for me to have crazy people scream at me and tell me I’m going to burn in hell as I enter a gay pride festival or go to a gay marriage rally. Sometimes they enlist the help of their children. It’s also not uncommon for people I know and work with to say one thing to my face, and then say something totally different behind my back. And, usually, when it’s about my sexuality, it’s a man doing the bashing. Here’s a couple of examples.
One of my clients arranged a call for me with their sales team. They were traveling in an automobile and called me from their mobile phone. They used the speaker phone during the call so everyone in the car (three thirty-something guys) could participate. When the call was over, the owner of the phone accidentally redialed my number and I was privy to their in-car discussion about me sounding like “a big fag on the phone”. They also discussed how disgusting it must be to be gay.
I thought I knew these guys. I’ve worked with them on and off again for a few years. But, obviously, I didn’t. Can you imagine what it felt like to hear that kind of hateful talk from people you work with? I’m wagering not all of you reading this can — but I’ll also bet a certain percentage of you certainly know what it feels like.
Then there was the email that was sent to 24 members of a content management team on a project I was working on at a major financial firm. In an email I sent out, one of the recipients (the department manager) hit “reply all” and accidentally shared with everyone on the team how he thought I was “a little light in the loafers” and “that he wouldn’t bend over to pick up the soap in the gym shower if I were around.”
I’m impacted emotionally by unexpected comments like these — especially when they are from people I think I know well enough — whether I hear them on an accidental phone call, shouted at me by hate-mongers in my physical space, or posted to a social networking site.
Back To The Story: What Happened, Exactly?
You can imagine what it felt like when I saw the post I thought came from Berry. It was late at night. I was tired and a little angry. I decided the only way I was going to be able to get some sleep was to write an article about what happened, save the article, and contact Berry in the morning. I didn’t intend on publishing anything until after I had contacted him to ask if his account had been compromised.
Unfortunately, I made a mistake. After editing and formatting the article, I saved it, and mistakenly clicked the “publish” button. I continued editing the article, without noticing I had made it live. I made a few changes, saved it again, then headed off to bed somewhere around midnight, still a little frustrated, but less anxious. I fell asleep shortly thereafter.
Four hours later, I received a text message, a phone call, and several emails from Berry indicating that he did not publish those remarks about me and that he was upset that I believed that he did. I jumped out of bed and ran to the computer to discover that the article I wrote last night (and thought I saved) was actually published and was now ‘live’ on my blog.
I quickly realized my mistake. I deleted the content and contacted Barry to let him know of my mistake and to arrange a time to talk with him about my actions and to apologize.
Berry and I had a nice call during which I explained what happened. He said he understood, accepted my apology, and asked that we move on and put this issue behind us.
But, he also said he was really perplexed. What was the motivating factor of the hacker? Is it just some malicious teenage-like prank? Does the person know him or myself? Where did it occur? And, can Facebook track down any data on the perpetrators?
My Lessons Learned
The biggest lesson I learned is that (especially in an online community like Facebook) you must take the time to confirm that the person who you believe posted offensive material on your network is aware of what happened. It may be, as in the case of Berry Braster, that a hacker took control of their account and began wreaking havoc without their knowledge.
The second biggest lesson is to go with your gut feeling. If something seems a little fishy or doesn’t make sense, you are probably right.
And third, if you are one of those people like me that feels better when you get your thoughts down in writing, make sure you do your written venting in an application like Microsoft Word or Notepad, something not connected to the internet or to your company blog.
Final Words
I would again like to apologize to Berry Braster and to the company for which he works, tedopes. I wish I had a rewind button that would allow me to skip back in time and prevent this embarrassing scenario from occurring. Regardless of previous experiences, and regardless what I saw on my Facebook page, I should have realized you would never have written such hateful words. I am sorry I even considered the possibility.
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Scott,
I appreciate your article, which is both an interesting read as well as a bit strange since it concerns me personally. I hope we can leave this behind us now. I’m still perplexed and very interested in learning who was behind this though, and this person’s reasons for doing this. If anyone can share ideas on how to be able to find out more (like an IP address that was used to hack my account) or something, please let me know.
All the best Scott, I’m also sorry you had to be part of this.
Berry
Well done guys. A nasty situation for the both of you, one that clearly evoked understandably very personal reactions. Let’s hope you can get to the bottom of it Berry, and that you two can continue forward despite the hiccup.
I think you were the victims of a variant of the Facebook phishing scam.
http://wcbstv.com/local/facebook.london.phishing.2.1148617.html
It almost happened to me in December. I had Facebook open in my browser while rushing to wrap up some work and shut down the computer. A friend started a chat, asking how I was. I replied and asked how she was. She proceeded to tell me how she was mugged at gunpoint in London and was concussed from being hit on the head. I was shocked – and surprised to hear she was in London. She doesn’t live in that part of the world (lives in US), and I didn’t know she was on vacation. She then asked for help. OK, I said. Then she asked for money. I got really upset. I knew something was wrong, but what if… I called the US embassy in London to hear whether they had helped a US citizen the previous evening as per my “friend’s” chat claim. Nothing. The embassy staff was very helpful and said there were these scams (my first experience with it.) I went back to the chat where my “friend” had posted several “where are you” messages. I claimed that I had been called away from my desk. I then said that she should contact the embassy for help – that’s what they were there for – and wished her luck. I logged off.
I found someone in my network who could call my real friend, and we got the matter resolved – resetting the password with help from Facebook. Berry – perhaps you can contact Facebook for advice?
This story may help explain what happened to Berry’s account. It somehow got compromised. Events then happen that seem plausible, yet you feel something is wrong. Emotions get involved. I felt like a heel for not helping my friend pay her hospital and hotel bills. However, logic said that in London, there is the NHS – no bills, I think – and the hotel would have been dealt with by credit card upon arrival. Also, the embassy told me that muggings at gunpoint are not what they do in London. Scammers need to do some research.
I also knew some facts about this person that were not present in our chat and yet somehow should have been. I was lucky I could call the embassy. Using the computer when fatigued or in a rush is dangerous. We all know that, but accidents do happen. I’m glad that you can put this incident behind you. Publishing may be painful, but it may help someone else.
A sad confluence of events to be sure. It just goes to show that anyone, no matter what their knowledge and level of experience with social media (and there are few people I know more knowledgeable and experienced in this area than Scott), can be caught out by something like this. Especially, as Scott pointed out, since anger and shock and dismay did their part to cloud things.
I’m just glad that Scott and Berry were able to clear the air, repair a personal and professional relationship, and put this unfortunate incident behind them.
As someone who has posted in anger more than once in the past, I can sympathize. Different situations in those cases, but some less-than-desirable results. I’ve found that when something like this happens, leaving the computer or smartphone off and grabbing a pad and a pen is the way to go. Going analogue gets rid of some of that anger and anxiety, and helps you think a little more clearly.
BTW, Scott, I think you actually have some fodder for articles, presentations, and a whitepaper (as you mentioned in your original post). Your experience as a result of this situation could be VERY instructive, both for new and seasoned users of services like Twitter and Facebook. Then again, you’ve probably already thought of that.
Hi Scott,
What a sad thing to think that a professional contact, that you consider a friend, was responsible for that post.
Fortunately yours was a blog, and not a forum post (and thus unretractable)
My faux pas *was* in a forum. Though it was not derogatory, I posted a very candid opinion about another forum member that was meant only for the person originally seeking help. I had no shortage of folks who (rightly) pointed out the poor etiquette of my forum post.
Like you, it was late at night. Had I been offline and instead sent the post in the morning, I’d not have had to personally respond to a dozen or so irate forum members, as well as posting a personal apology to the offended party and the offended forum as well.
Thankfully Social Media is so fast that what I’ll remember (and hopefully what Berry and others will remember) about your situation is that you were quick to act in repairing his reputation and acknowledging your own mistakes.
As Scott Nesbitt said above, hopefully this will keep others from acting in haste in the future.
Scott (and Berry): Thank you for showing us all what classy action looks like. And by inference, what it might not look like. We have all said or done something that was reactive and ill-considered, and regretted it. It takes a big person to accept when things like that happen, work to rectify it, and then move on (as you appear to have done). Scott, it takes an even bigger person to put themselves at risk by talking about the situation in a public forum. Thank you for sharing how you took what could have been a disaster and made it a positive lesson for all of us who read it. Hopefully it will keep me from reacting without reflection.
With highest regard,
Grant
I read your original post, Scott. It was indeed scathing, and I immediately was interested in how this would turn out. I don’t know Berry, but as he’s someone who works in the communications spectrum, I thought that some sort of hack was likely. Glad to see that was the case.
And I’m really glad to see how this has been publicly resolved. Hats off.
I’ve done the same in an IM message. It was private. There was no one else listening. But it set me and this person way, way back. Ultimately, it was a case with the same exact culprit: misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Here’s the lesson I’ll take from this: Social media is a digital representation of actual conversation. As such, there will always be room for personal communication beyond how we talk to each other in Social Media. I’m going to factor that in the next time I get upset by a post.
Scott, exactly how did you establish it was *not* Berry who sent this message, maybe after a drink too many?
Thanks to everyone for sharing your views and experiences. I really appreciate it.
To Brian … drinks were not to blame in this situation. It was simply an over-reaction to a situation that I should have handled differently — compounded by the accidental publishing of the post I wrote in haste.
To answer your question, I learned it was not Berry after hearing from him through multiple channels (IM, phone, email, Facebook, etc.). Basically, all of the bells and whistles on my devices were going off while I was sleeping. I heard them, got up, thinking “something must be wrong” (could have been friend in trouble, death in family, etc. at 4:00am my time).
Although I don’t plan to edit myself or change much about what I choose to share, when and how I choose to share it, this lesson has taught me a lot about timing and verification. They’re not always important considerations, but in situations where emotions and personalities are involved, taking time to verify and being extra careful not to share prematurely, could have helped me avoid this entire horrible experience. I’m sure Berry Braster would have preferred it that way, as well. Berry deserves kudos for the way he handled himself in this situation. I’m sure it didn’t feel good to hear about oneself in such a way and to know that untrue information was being spread around by someone with an audience of tens of thousands. I think highly of Berry for his professionalism and for his ability to see how the entire mess unfolded. He’s been such a great human being through the entire mess.
I’m hopeful that by sharing my misadventures, misjudgments, and blunders publicly — and they are not limited to this one instance — others may benefit.